Elixir

A little real talk today because what’s scarier honestly than the human psyche? Amirite?

I want to talk medication because it’s a topic on my mind a lot lately. Years and years ago, while I was still a sixth form student, I had a job in an old people’s home. I worked for The Chans who were hard but ultimately kind bosses, and they taught me an awful lot.

A little while after I started work there our clientele started to change and they came with (sometimes serious) mental health issues. I had no training at all beyond the domestic and it could be a very tough place to be at times. Many of our residents suffered from schizophrenia and other severe disorders, and as far as I could see apart from the medicine, they weren’t getting a lot of support.

They were for the most part lovely people and I still think about some of them. I never felt uncomfortable except around one disgusting man who used to grab the girls’ around their waists and pull them onto his lap. I always refused to go into his room alone.

Photo by The Tonik on Unsplash

Anyway, there was always talk about how, when the residents started to feel better, they would sometimes stop taking their medication. You could see evidence of this and it came in cycles but I never really thought about it in much depth. I was a teenager then, only concerned with boys and going out, mental health wasn’t really on my mind despite me being surrounded by it.

I think about that experience much more now and the feeling better conundrum is a huge part of it because now I do it myself.

I can be very bad about keeping up with my meds. During a good period it’s easy to forget to take your pills because you don’t feel like you need them anymore. Lately I’ve been so focused on the Wicca stuff that I’ve slipped again.

I’ve been feeling much more grounded and sure of myself – and deep down I guess I’m still not over the feeling I’ve failed at being a ‘normal person’ who doesn’t need to be medicated. Rationally I know this view is bullshit, it’s internalised shame and when I’m thinking straight that thought would never occur to me. About myself and certainly not others.

There’s no real point to this post other than to be frank. Of course the groundedness hasn’t lasted, I had a panic attack and now I feel like I’m right back to square one. Balance is difficult.

But it’s something I need to get right. Life is wonderful in many ways and I want to enjoy it as much as I can without fear and paranoia so I need to work it out. Wicca and medication might end up being the perfect elixir, we’ll have to see.

All I know is that this condition is part of me and it won’t just go away like a headache.